My thirst for the spiritual began at a very young age and has continued throughout my life. It has had different flavours and chapters, but that insatiable dedication (albeit channeled through destructive outlets at times) has always been the case.
Amidst a deep knowing that there was more than meets the eye to everything, and a strong capacity to bounce back from trips and falls, there has been a theme of suffering throughout my life. It seems that the more that we taste the matrix that we live in, the more that we feel the pain of the illusion that we dream.
Tears fell in deep recognition upon attending my first Satsang. As with everything that ignites my Soul, I threw myself into spiritual inquiry with a rapture and passion that overtook my life, or did it? My inner landscape was filled with the perfume of Peace, and yet, my living Life wreaked with the stench of suffering. Every which way I turned I saw only my shadow and felt victimised by my own pain. I ticked one box after another of things that I thought might bring me happiness, until only death it seemed would release me from the burden of myself.
Fortunately the spiritual teaching of death is prominent. Death of the ego. You are no-one and nothing. This teaching captivated and allured me. Besides, it was so natural for me to fade into the formless …
I prayed and prayed for a teacher who could transmit the awakening I so desperately longed for. My dedication grew and grew. Everywhere I looked I saw the unreality of it all – the ignorance, the confusion, and the suffering.
Life answered my prayers beyond my wildest dreams. A Being of such immense capacity showed up on my doorstep, and whilst living with me for a week, handed me key after key after key.
Shortly after, another teacher of the non-dual variety, would facilitate my recognition of my Self as Awareness. A door had been opened but I was not allowed to stabilise or deepen in this recognition. Life came knocking on my door full fury, demanding that I descend into the dense matter that was calling for my attention.
It became apparent that the spiritual path was not how I had perceived it to be. My understanding of enlightenment was partial and incomplete. A theme unravelled itself, where I would come to see that a wounded psyche can remain untouched by awakening and that realisation was in fact multi-dimensional and thus complex in its simplicity. It became clear that Reality consists of Everything and Nothing and all things in between …
Unbeknown to me, I had spent the first thirty years of my life removed from my body, the earth, and Life itself. The experience of being outside mySelf, as Heart, as Soul, had been so normal, I actually knew no different. So when I discovered the non-dual philosophy that deemed the material world illusory, these spiritual teachings would form the basis and justification for my ascent into the recognition of myself as awareness and the dismissal of everything that arose within that. Meanwhile there was a deep call to meet the self hatred and deep fear of Life at the bottom of my Being.
My cultivation was essentially focused on dissolution rather than resolution, and favoured the resting of attention in the Space in which Life arises in, over the deep diving into Life herself. However, what unfolds now is a merging between dying to the empty nature of reality, whilst burning in the fire at the Heart of Everything. What this means is that relative reality is as deeply embraced as absolute reality, so that everything can be purified to its root. There can be no subtle dismissal of anything and no imposing the truth of ultimate reality onto our individuated human lives.
I spent the next two years cleaning and sorting and straightening out my Life at the most fundamental level. Every part of my living life that I had dismissed to be irrelevant to my recognition, was brought into that embrace. With the letting of of every compromise and the coming into full integrity, Life began to enter, cracking the Heart … open, and Soul consciousness imbued my perception. The ball of surrender had begun her descent.
My Life is now dedicated to the embrace of Truth through everything and unfolds as this ongoing unravelling of identity, which includes the deep healing of the body, the psyche and the Soul, and which is driven by an honesty so radical that the false burns in the mere presence of it.
There is a fulfilment at the level of the individual story awaiting, which appears as a total resolution and dissolution of everything that arises within the sphere of the separate identity. This resolve and dissolve appears as a great cleaning, clearing and burning out, leaving only Reality in its wake.
In this embrace of depth, no aspect of meta-physical reality remains untouched and every layer of physical reality is penetrated. It is the grand invitation of being in a Human Body – to bring Reality into every cell.
And this path embraces all as valid when embraced in the context of Truth – every layer of existence that is revealed, every healing modality that brings resolution, every experience that completes itself, and every tradition that illuminates. When nothing else is wanted except Truth, then everything that is met brings deep teachings, realisations, and a complete undoing of any perceived sense of separation.
Only wanting Truth, which is equal to wanting complete transparency across everything, can activate the fire that is needed to burn through all that stands in the way of perceived separation and Reality.
And the reality of Soul is not excluded from this. Soul as an individuated aspect of God is very much included in this full embrace; and as Life is purified of the conditioned identity, it is only natural that her dance includes every Soul Gift waiting to be realised and shared through your form.
So on these pages you will find a sincere sharing of my dedication to this path, which appears as a constant dying and coming to Life through a bitter sweet surrender and a blazing love for my Self …
A deep bow and warm embrace to you, dear Soul friend,
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